12 Church Facility Problem “Names”

I and my Lawless Group consulting teams have visited a lot of churches with rooms named after people. Capturing that same tradition, I’ve decided to “name” some problematic church facility issues. See if your church could put up a plaque with one of these names on it.

1. The “Poor Space Usage Parlor.” It’s named after somebody, and it’s immaculate. The problem is that no one ever dares to use it, even if the church needs space.
2. The “Retro Bathroom Museum.” This bathroom could be really nice. If it were 1980 (or even 1960) again.
3. The “Grass Infield Parking Lot.” You really could almost play baseball on this field. Except that it’s actually asphalt with weeds growing through it.
4. The “Memory Lane.” That’s the hallway filled with informational flyers, announcements, etc., of events that took place weeks, months, and even years ago.
5. The “Primer Room(s).” The doors, windows, and walls are so in need of paint that you’d think they’ve just been prepared for the first coat.
6. The “Standing Room Only Section.” It’s good that a church needs one of these, but you won’t need it for long. A church that’s out of space usually stops growing.
7. The “‘Let’s Make a Deal’ Entrance Doors.”* Out of the multiple door options (e.g., Door 1, Door 2, or Door 3), you get to choose the one you want – and you may or may not choose the one that actually takes you into a main part of the building.
8. The “Walk-in Closet Foyer.” You can hang a bunch of coats there, but you can’t get many human beings in it at the same time.
9. The “Photography Lab Worship Center.” It’s so dark there that you could develop pictures while you’re worshiping.
10. The “Antique Gallery.” This area includes all the old stuff that people donated to the church because they didn’t want it – like clothes, nursery toys, and upright pianos. Sometimes a musky odor is a sign that you’re near the gallery.  
11. The “Explorer Welcome Center.” This center is named after the late 1950s U.S. space mission following Russia’s launching of Sputnik. It was unmanned.
12. The “Loan Payment Office.” This one refers to no particular room or space. It’s the whole facility when indebtedness hinders the church from doing ministry. 

What other church facility problem “names” might you suggest? 

————-

*If you’re a younger reader, you might need to do a Google search for this game show.