I assume it’s clear that I’m using “family-run” as a negative for churches. I’ve known great families that have much positive influence in the church, and I thank God for those kinds of families. On the other hand, I’ve also seen the negative side of “family-run” churches. Here are some signs of that kind of church:
- A significant number of members are related to this family. I’ve seen some smaller churches where more than 50% of the members were part of a controlling family.
- The family has a matriarch or patriarch that the church recognizes as an influential, power-wielding member. Few people will confront him or her, lest they upset the family.
- A family member is part of every major committee in the church. In many cases, they chair these committees—and have done so for several years.
- Some folks know the church as “the church where the ______________ go.” You can fill in the blank with the name of any family that seems to run the church.
- A conflict with one family member often becomes conflict with the rest of the family. Everyone is so related that conflict quickly escalates.
- More than one family member has said to the pastor, “We were here when you came, and we’ll be here when you leave.” Their words are probably accurate, but they’re nevertheless an expression of power.
- Gifted people who want to serve aren’t often given that opportunity. That’s because family members already dominate the system—and they don’t want to give up their positions.
- Parades of short-term pastors have led the church. They come under God’s call, but they then hit the wall surrounding “the family.” Finding the opposition too stifling, they move on to another church—and the family again fills any leadership void.
- The church tends to see the senior pastor as an employee more than a spiritual leader. The family publicly or subversively requires the pastor to do what they want. They’re not open to spiritual teaching or correction.
- None of the family members would say that they’re controlling the church. They camouflage their actions in spiritual language, and they’re convinced they’re simply doing what’s best for the church.
- In many cases, the church is not growing. At best, they’re living in “maintenance mode.” The same people dominate all the church does, and they seldom have a strong commitment to evangelism. After all, reaching new members might ultimately threaten their positions.
What would you add to this list? Do these characteristics describe your church?
Ouch. Too accurate! I pastored one of these churches. I would add that they are the major financial influencers. They stop giving when unhappy, or designate it elsewhere, in order to squeeze the pastor out.
All churches are like this people, stop running to a building for guidance when you are the church. God have you the hilt spirit why do you need a pastor to use you as a muppet baby anyways. Yes just a family owned business
The ultimate is when the pastor is a member of the ruling family and/or the pastorate is handed down generation to generation.
A question for you, maybe for another article: How does a pastor deal with such a situation?
Doug, there’s not always a whole lot that you can do. I had a church situation where all eleven of the mentioned problems of Lawless’ article were present. You can be faithful in what you’re able to do, grow as a pastor and other skills important for ministry, pray for changes in hearts and open conversations, but you may be forced to leave too. Don’t get in the mindset that your current church has to be your only church. Sometimes God brings you to a church to stay and others where you stay for a season.
It’s a hard situation and I ended up leaving this family run church because they expected me to do everything (being their employee). In other churches, where congregants can threaten to fire you–that may or may not be true because as SBC congregationalists you need the votes. Unfortunately in family run churches, they do have the votes. Towards the end of my time at this church, they threatened to fire me at least half a dozen times. And instead of all out firing me (after all, what would others the community say if they did?) they drained the budget to claim “we’re out of money.” I believed them. As I was leaving the church and cleaning out old church files, I found old monthly budgets to see, they drained the budget when they wanted the previous pastor to leave too. It looks a lot better that a pastor leaves on their own than being labelled as a pastor-firing church. Downright sinful.
What I have seen is that church in General is all about “me” and not about the lost. It is odd we will spend Millions as Baptists to send a missionary around the world – and then they will go hut to hut to share the gospel. BUT the church will not invest ANY TIME – OR MONEY – going door to door in the surrounding neighborhoods. Hypocritical if you ask me! Luke 10!! When I was a Youth Pastor at one church – I didn’t spend enough time with “our kids” even though we went from 20 in the youth group to over 50.
I am one of these churches now.
I would add:
Never having business meetings to allow all members to vote on spending. (The pastor’s sonq+ didn’t try to work and he was married to the asst pastor’s daughter. The pastor’s decided to give money to their lazy son and family without the rest of the members knowing.) I was aware since I was close the the Pastor’s daughter. You are so right that the church did not expand in number either.
My family is very influential in the church. We have to be. And, It is a good thing! It all started when we stepped up because there were no volunteers. We volunteer as the worship team, the youth pastor, the janitors, the sound technicians, the greeters, the elders, etc. We don’t abuse power, bully pastors, or anyone that wants to volunteer. We are a good hearted family that longs to see God’s church grow. Remember that family bonds in the church can be healthy. Plus, many of the first churches were family run (read Philemon).
I completely understand! My family is very involved in the same ways. What we do there is no “power” to be had by doing. The exception is that my wife was manipulated into being the president of our church body a few years ago by a pastor who thought her meek nature could be manipulated. (He left after a personal tragedy.) My wife kept the church alive during and after Covid. I just excepted a position of leadership after refusing to for years due to burnout. With those two exceptions, we serve by doing dishes, organizing worship music, picking up trash, manning the A/V booth, ensuring communion is prepared for and we have servers, leading communion, singing when there are no singers, locking up the church, buying treats for kids, providing youth group meals, teaching youth group, and on and on. Simply put, if it needs to be done for the church to run, and nobody else is willing to do it, my family steps up to serve. We would love to come to church just as service begins and runout to lunch right after!!! But no, we get there 1 to 2 hours before the service to set up everything, and stay sometimes 3 hours after to clean, or attend meetings. Even with all this, we have a few “leaders” who are complaining that church is at times “the (our last name)’s show”! We don’t WANT to be in charge or recognized for the things we do…..they just HAVE to be done. Yet these others are not willing or “able” to do any of the things we are doing. Please don’t complain about how we are serving God and His church, when you refuse to. (That is toward the complainers, not Noah)
Oh shut up u morons
When a pastor hires his family as staff members and ministry leaders, the church goes from being a church to a small family owned business.
I recently left a church just like this. 1) The family held all major positions (outsiders just help!) , also because they hold all positions now else could get ‘move on up’ so to speak. 2) The family were the board – made all the decisions. Listen to the terminology used ‘we made a decision’ or ‘we decided’ – I challenged them every time I heard this phrase the answer ‘well the leadership’ YES!!! Your family!!! And then we as members were told about it after the fact 3) Don’t grow – as I grew spiritually and God was showing me more – they didn’t like it. So unless they control how and when you grow(in their eyes). But it’s ok I if you buy this and that for the church! I used to get mad There are people there who had been there longer than me – do nothing but turning up and paying tithes. The same people (family) doing the same stuff – opening prayers/closing prayers etc – how in the world is anyone supposed to learn and grow if it’s ‘the family’ who run the show. Funny thing is these types of churches never grow passed a certain number.
I say to these types of churches Nepotism has no place in the kingdom in the name of Jesus!!! You cannot treat it like the local butchers (smith & sons) it is supposed to be the church of the living God! Behave yourselves and repent for you will be held accountable for ‘starving’ people of growth/development because you think the only people who can/should is your family.
Thank you for including this post in your top ten, I some times enjoy the comments more than the actual post.
This is absolutely true. I have been in a small family church now for 26 years. My husband is the Pastor over his family members it has been nothing but division in this church. His mother sister and Aunt runs the church. My husband refuse to confront them because he said he dont want his family members mad with him.
I left th his church several times. My husband begged me to come back each time. And everytime his family members caused more and more division in this church.
No my husband short time memory is bad.
Please pray for me to be released from this environment soon.
The only peoples they have every wanted In this church is their own family members.
This is not of God!
Thelma – I’m praying for you that you will be able to get out of this toxic environment. I’m in a similar position. At the start of Covid last year, I took the leap to step out of the group. There is literally no one to talk to about the situation because they are all related somehow or another. (Either by marriage, childhood friends or another relation..) Within the past year, the Pastor’s adult children with their spouses moved into my apartment building. It’s the most uncomfortable thing I have ever felt. Sometimes, they are nice, they talk to you, act like they are your friend. Literally, she said “you’re family” but in the end, it’s obvious it’s only to get some information. Then the next day – they give you the cold shoulder. I feel incredibly off with this church and every person involved. So much anxiety even if I just see one person in the church. It’s hard to explain because by their actions on the “outside” they look nice.. giving groceries.. yet why do I feel like.. completely unwanted? I have stopped tithing to this church and I have had peace about it.. but it’s still hard because I see them often in the apartment and the pastor would still send a link for the service. It’s like.. They don’t want you “in” the family but they don’t want you to leave either. I don’t get it!!
The church I attend today voted in the new pastor, who is a family member of the family that already makes up a majority of the congregation. That same family is in the school and in city hall. Small town.
I do not know how the process is suppose to work but the pastor that has been “filling in” asked if the vote count needed to be supervised, he was offering to do that, and the answer was, “no we’ll leave them to themselves.” I attend but I have not offered to take any responsibilities because I noticed very early in attending that one family held majority of “power.” The people are nice, the doctrine seems sound, but I’m very hesitant to become more involved because of this one family rule. Is the church vote count supposed to be supervised?
The above article is the reason many people leave the church. I am sure there are a few churches started by a family that have been effective. Yet, it begs the question why did a family start a church? Was it to fulfill the Great Commission? Or was it to have your own church that you could run similar to a business? It was mentioned that churches in the New Testament were started by families. True, but they were staring points to tell the good news and they turned the world upside down. How many family churches have turned the world upside down? It is very disheartening. However, I have learned a great deal from these churches. I now am able to spotted these churches and stay clear of them. I live in the Bible belt. Small churches are are declining to the point of closing. I am sure there are many reasons, However I ask these members why they believe no one attends any longer? One reason I hear very often is one family ran the church and other got tired of it and left. May this be an opportunity to spread the gospel by not making the same mistakes as others.
I agree with the article wholly. I know of a pastor in a Church of God that is like 76 and been at the same church for 45+ years. The pastors oldest son is music director, youngest son is youth & children’s leader, pastors niece is youth SS teacher, pastors brother in law is adult SS teacher, and they pay most of the tithes and the church can seat 500 and never reached above 300 attendance since it was built in 1990. Today the church runs around 171 on Sun Morn worship. The church once did around 50,000 per month in tithes, it now is lucky to reach 30,000 at present. But they even have a Yearly Summer Camp meeting and are lucky to get 300 for that nightly. But you know they think they are the ones for the job. Go figure.
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I just resigned as pastor of a church in Eastern Kentucky. I read this post and the church checks every single box. I couldn’t believe what I read! I pastured in Ohio for 30 years and never seen anything like this before.
Some things to add – it’s very cultish so to speak…Family members related to the controlling family won’t leave because they will become outcasts, blackballed from family events and mistreated. This happened in the church I pastured when I left. They sacrificed their relationship with Christ to maintain family ties…
Essentially the church became a social gathering where worship of God was not considered only faked
We recently started going to a family run church. The pastor just moved his son in law over as the administrative pastor. The younger daughter is very petty and divisive. When the issue was politely discussed in private with the pastor’s wife and daughter, the daughter went on to look as though she had been wronged, going from member to member, slandering our family. We really care about the kind people we have met here, but are now preparing our exit. We are trying to find the right “excuse” for leaving, as we don’t want the church body to think they had let us down and are trying to be discreet for decency, as we now know the “leadership” will not handle this kindly. Thankfully God sees all and that is our peace in this. Family run churches aren’t always bad, though. We had originally come from a beautifully run family church, sadly it was a very long drive for us.
What do you do if it’s the pastor,and he has recruited his whole family in to positions in the leadership of the church and allows youth ministry to humiliate are youth as far as passing out paper and telling the children to write down who the two peers that most distract them and then stand them in front of there peers holding buckets of water ‼️ This is crazy who does this stuff I’m 45 years old and have never dealt with such craziness in my life but in there logic and thinking this was just a mistake but it has happened before so how os this a mistake and anyone with any sense Knows you don’t do that ‼️Help‼️🙏