Almost every consultation survey our consulting company does shows that church members believe their congregation has cliques. In fact, I can’t remember ever reading a survey that did not reveal that same finding. If that’s the case, how should we try to avoid cliques in our church?
- Intentionally build multigenerational fellowship. Most cliques develop along generational lines, so connecting the generations can lessen the possibility of cliques. Build small groups that include more than one generation. Join the young people and the seniors in doing projects. Connect young families with grandparent-types in the church.
- Preach about Christian unity in diversity. God uniquely and creatively puts His church together so we need each other and complement each other (1 Cor. 12). Help your church see why the “eye” needs a “foot”—and why God is glorified in the diversity of His body.
- Teach healthy steps toward reconciliation. Some cliques first develop out of conflict; that is, different groups choose opposing sides, and they each see the other as wrong. If we teach believers how to resolve conflict BEFORE they’re caught in the emotion of disagreement, perhaps they’d have fewer reasons to form cliques.
- Include longer-term members as part of your new members class. Invite some faithful members to join that class in order to (a) tell the church’s story and to (b) get to know new members. Build relationships quickly when people join your church, and you’ll help avoid cliques.
- Encourage members to sit in different places each Sunday. I’ve addressed this idea in a different post, so here’s the point: moving around allows you to get outside your comfort zone and meet new people.
- Develop a prayer ministry that connects people in different life stages. Connect young people with older people, and guide them to pray regularly for each other. Encourage married couples to pray for single adults, and vice versa. People have to get to know each other for this process to work well.
- Don’t assume that every friendship group is a clique. All of us have a naturally-developing set of friends, and we gravitate toward them with little intention of becoming a clique. That becomes a problem when we ignore or exclude others, but having friends with whom we’re closer than others is not automatically sinful.
- Emphasize and DO evangelism. This solution to the clique problem is basic: when we regularly reach out to non-believers and prayerfully lead them to Christ and the church, cliques are less likely to develop. Cliques happen when churches turn inward.
What other steps would you add?
The church I’ve attended for a few years has a clique, most of the members! They’re almost all related to each other one way or another. Don’t get me wrong, they’re friendly and WILL talk to you (most of them, there is a “core” of them that will barely give you the time of day, believe me I’ve tried many times to engage them with conversation), but that is it.
I talked last year to my kids about us maybe finding another church, since even the kids at the one we go to don’t want much to do with my kids. I’ve tried to get them involved but nothing happens. I’m not typically a super outgoing person, so this is an effort to approach seemingly uninterested people. I tried all sorts of things, the problem is that my kids are allergic to a lot of foods (like stuff that is not organic or has GMO’s in it, it makes them sick), so we can’t do the once a month fellowship they have. We also are seriously not doing well financially so just driving to church and back takes gas money, and I don’t have loads of cash to make extra food for the dinners. When I volunteer for the clothing drive, I come late so that I don’t have to bring food.
There are a few people that I sort of became friends with, however, which is funny because I was ready to leave this church and find another one, though I figured it’d be the same thing with any new one I would attend or join. If it wasn’t for this (friendship?) with this lady and her husband, I would have started searching for yet another church to not feel like I belong to. This is why I don’t join any organizations anymore, because this happens to me no matter what. It’s not that I’m not a “nice” person, I don’t try to push others away, but maybe people think I’m desperate to have friends? I don’t think I come across that way. I’m a good conversationalist, I have good hygiene, I have a compelling interest for doing more for others than I would ever do for myself. Maybe it’s the old, “nice guys (or gals) finish last”?
I don’t know. I wish I could just metaphorically “kill” the part of me that wants to “belong”. It causes me nothing but trouble and pain and grief.
Then, try to reach out if you are having personal problems, forget it. I attempted to discuss things with some members, and the one deacon acted like a crapped on his shoe. I immediately regretted talking to him. Then I figured maybe I’ll try another more “friendly” church person…but when I had a bad day just before going to church (when I have a bad day or something bad happens sometimes I do not go to church at all), they acted like they didn’t hear anything I said. I’m not one to complain, but I feel like you can’t talk to them at all. They don’t want to hear it, they want a fake sort of “always happy” attitude.
What happened to my comment?