It almost seems strange to me to write this post, for my early professors and mentors cautioned me against developing strong friendships in the church I pastor. I’m so grateful, though, for the folks God has placed in my life in four decades of ministry—people who’ve loved me, supported me, prayed for me, and stood by me in mistakes. At age 60, I’m convinced more than ever that every pastor needs great friends not only in life in general, but also in the church he leads. Here’s why:
- The gospel is a story of love extended and received, and surely we should experience both in congregations we lead. It’s risky to love at that level, but not to do so seems to be antithetical to the message we proclaim.
- None of us should be doing ministry alone. God didn’t create us to be loners, nor did He design His church in such a way we don’t need each other. In fact, it’s just the opposite. Our not developing genuine friendships in the church ultimately weakens our leadership.
- Just one word of genuine support from a church member friend goes a long way in encouraging us to stay faithful. For me, one word of affirmation from a trusted brother in Christ gives me courage to press on, regardless of what I might be facing otherwise.
- When we struggle—and we do, and we will—we desperately need someone who will pick us up gently and walk beside us even while holding us accountable. Only a good friend can do that well in love; only those who love us will seek to help us redemptively.
- We need to model strong, healthy relationships for our family. Our spouses and our children need their own friendships, and they need to see what godly relationships look like. We can’t model them well if we choose not to invest emotionally in the people we lead.
- Yesterday’s great friendships (which often remain as today’s great friendships even after the Lord calls us to a new place of service) remind us of God’s blessings. I can give you name after name after name of folks I’ve pastored who became great friends—and I view them as God’s gifts to me.
- Believers best see our faith lived out not in the pulpit, but in the daily grind of life. That is, they find out whether our faith is real when we share life together. We can’t do that much without real friendship.
To all my church-based great friends, thank you!
I agree that it is a mistake not to develop close relationships with members of the congregation. People who know you can advocate for you with other members of the congregation who do not know you. While you are the pastor, you are also a part of the congregation. Have you traced the origin of the notion that pastors should not befriend members of their congregation. I recently read about an Irish Catholic priest who refused to have a cup of tea or a bite to eat with his parishioners for that reason. He accepted isolation as his lot in life as a parish priest. He only socialized with his fellow priests and then on rare occasions. To my mind, this avoidance of “familiarity” is unbiblical. Pastors are members of the Body of Christ and as members of the Body of Christ they are no different from other members of the Body of Christ. They may have a particular gifting according to the measure of grace given them but that does not set them apart from the rest of the Body of Christ. All Christians who are united to Jesus and to each other by the Holy Spirit have such a gifting. I do not see how you can preach to a congregation unless you have some kind of relationship with each member of the congregation. You have no idea what is happening in their lives and how best to pastor them.
Yeah, I heard that once, that you shouldn’t stay at a parish too long or you might get too close to the people you serve. My response is: isn’t that what it’s about?